October 1st through 15th Update

As most of you know, we went in for our routine 35 week ultrasound October 1st. Everything looked great for our son, Nathan. He measured big and had a great heartbeat. When we went to check our daughter, Alexis, she was measuring smaller than we expected and we didn't measure a heartbeat. We thought that was strange but the ultrasound technician sent us to a room without telling us anything (they have to wait for the doctor to do that).

As we waited I had this overwhelming feeling that something wasn't right as we have always seen and heard a heartbeat. I immediately prayed that whatever news we heard, God would be there to comfort us. I really just thought that maybe she wasn't growing as good and that we might have to have them early since we had discussed possible things that can warrant earlier delivery. When the doctor came in, she said, "I have some bad news." Immediately my heart sank. She said, "Baby B doesn't have a heartbeat and has passed away." At first they said it was Nathan, but I knew Baby B was Alexis. We were in limbo for a minute, but we found out it was definitely Alexis.

I immediately cried uncontrollably. I was completely overwhelmed with grief. I have to say that in the 9 years I have known Lee, I have maybe seen him shed a few tears a handful of times. To say he was overcome with grief is an understatement. We discussed going ahead and delivering Nathan. I will say that even though I was overwhelmed and my heart ached, I knew that God had His hands on Nathan and that everything would be great with him. Lee and I called our family and wept in the room until we could compose ourselves enough to leave and head home to get our stuff so we could head to the hospital.

We got to the hospital and they monitored Nathan and he was doing great - great heartbeat, very active. They scheduled my c-section for roughly 5:00pm since I had something to eat at 9:00am. The c-section went beautifully. I kept focusing on Scriptures that were encouraging. It took a while since I have had a c-section before and had a good amount of scar tissue, but at 5:45pm I heard the greatest sound in the world, Nathan crying. Immediately came the tears. At that point I was still hoping and praying that maybe the tech was wrong and I would hear my precious Alexis cry. Needless to say, I didn't. The nurse came and told me that Alexis was beautiful and looked just like Nathan. Lee brought Nathan over to me and I got to love and kiss on him. He is so beautiful and I believe he looks just like Daddy's baby pictures. I opted not to see Alexis at that time as I knew that would be too much to handle while still finishing up my c-section.

We got everything finished up and I went to my room under the impression that Nathan would be in the NICU until 10:00pm (4 hours for observation). Well, he was doing so great that he came out in about an hour. I was thrilled. I couldn't wait to hold and kiss him. Lee and I had some time with him and then Luke came in and then family came in in groups. It was amazing having this precious heathy baby boy and enjoying him with our family.

Lee and I wanted to see Alexis and hold her and let our family have some time with her before we sent her to the morgue, but she didn't look good and it was too much for me to take, so I only saw her for a quick second and they went ahead and took her. I want to remember her from the sweet ultrasound pictures and active kicks in my belly for the past 35 weeks. They did give us a box with her footprints and some of her special items (blanket, hat, bracelets). I know we will cherish it forever.

Nathan did really well. We worked on nursing, pumping, making bottles, and getting into a routine (every 3 hours) while we were in the hospital. We got to come home on October 5th and it was really nice. It was so tough leaving the hospital with only one baby. Seeing Alexis' empty carseat and the double stroller in the van was almost too much for me to take. It just felt so wrong. When we got home and I had to go in the nursery for things, it broke my heart seeing all of her stuff (especially her name on the wall).

Physically I did great this time. I wasn't in labor for 26 hours this time so that helped. I recovered quickly which I know was an answer to prayer because I had asked God to heal my physically ASAP since I had so much to deal with emotionally.

We had a funeral service for Alexis on Friday, October 8th. It was beautiful but heartbreaking. I cried uncontrollably the entire time. It was almost too much to take. I was thankful I had Lee, Luke, Nathan, and my mom to hold onto during the service. So many wonderful friends and family attended and had such kind words for us. That made it more bearable. Our pastor did a great job and he shared some great letters that my mom, my mother-in-law, and I wrote. Lee's cousin sang "The Old Rugged Cross" and a sweet girl from church sang "I Will Carry You." It was just perfect.

On Sunday, my mom, Lee, and I went through all of Alexis' stuff and boxed it all up. We put a lot away in case God blesses us with another daughter down the road, but some of the things personal to her (her coming home outfit, special blankets, special stuffed animals) went into an "Alexis Box". It was so hard. I cried the whole time. It just felt so wrong to be putting that stuff away. We worked fast and got it all done in a couple of hours. The nursery looked so empty when we were finished. It still feels so wrong.

This week was a lot calmer since it was just Lee, Luke, Nathan, and me. We are getting into a routine. Nathan eats at 8, 11, 2, 5, 8, 11, 2, 5. He is getting good at nursing, but I am still pumping for some supplementation and to store for later. He gained back some weight at his check-up on Wednesday (October 13th). He weighed 5 lbs 8 oz. We are enjoying him so much. He sleeps all the time. We have to wake him for feedings sometimes (which is common for premies). He loves to be held and rocked and I happily do it because he should have been in my tummy for 5 more weeks and I believe he misses his sister.

It's been a whirlwind of emotions, highs and lows, ups and downs. I think I've experienced every emotion there is in the past two weeks. We are going through the best and worst time in our lives. It's hard to explain.

We've just been so blessed that friends and family call, write, encourage, pray, and bring meals. It makes it so much better. I can't imagine going through this without our friends and family. More importantly, I really can't imagine going through this without God. He hasn't left, forgotten, or forsaken us. He has a perfect plan and will even if we don't understand it all. I know Alexis Faith is in heaven and that we will all be together again. That is the hope that I cling to. God will heal our broken hearts, give us peace and comfort, and strengthen us for each day, each hour, each minute. He is ever present in our lives. To Him be the glory, honor, and praise.

A Letter to My Unborn Babies

To My Babies,

As I sit here, it's 1:15am and for some reason I am not at all tired. I took a nap today (which is unusual at this point - not unusual the 1st trimester) and I was tired all day until about 10:00pm when I got a second wind. Daddy is sleeping on the couch and I am contemplating going to bed soon and laying there until I fall asleep. I thought before I did, I would take the time to write a letter to you guys (or girls, we don't know your genders yet).

I have to tell you that this is one of a few of the most amazing experiences of my life carrying the two of you.

The most amazing experience of my life was when I met the greatest man in my life, Jesus Christ. My prayer for you is that you will meet Jesus early in life, surrender your life to Him, and that you will try your best to walk daily in His will. No matter where you go, what you do, or who you are with, Jesus Christ can always be there with you, you just have to ask Him to dwell with you and in you everyday. He is the most important relationship you should have in your life. There is no one, not even your parents or future spouse, that can fill that space in your heart. Mommy knows because when I met Jesus I knew your awesome, unconditionally loving daddy 2 years and even he couldn't be what I needed.

The second greatest experience of my life was when I married your daddy. He is the kindest, sweetest, most loving man I have ever known. I knew I wanted to marry him only a few months after we started dating. No one ever treated me or loved me the way that your daddy did and does. When he asked me to marry him, my heart was full and I don't think I stopped smiling for days. The day that we committed our lives to one another, I knew that we both meant it and would be together forever. I couldn't wait to spend everyday of my life with him making memories and enjoying our children (and future grandchildren) together. He is the best husband anyone could even dream to have. I pray that you find a spouse that is surrendered to Jesus and loves Him with all his/her heart, who will love you unconditionally and that you will love unconditionally, that you respect and who respects you, who you can share all of life's ups and downs with, and who will be there old and grey when you are older.

The third greatest experience of my life was when I met your older brother. From the minute I found out I was pregnant with him until the day I met him for the first time, I had an instant connection to him. I always longed to be a mommy and was so thrilled that God in His infinite wisdom made me a mommy early in life. Even though daddy and I had only been married 19 months when Luke was born and we were young and just starting our lives, we enjoyed all of it. Seeing your daddy be a daddy made me love him even more (I didn't know that was possible). Your brother is a sweet, loving, kind, and fun boy and has been waiting for you guys for a couple of years. He asked me for a baby when he was less than 3 years old. He prayed for you guys before we even knew we were pregnant. He even wanted twins. Everyday that I have been pregnant, he has prayed for you, talked about you, rubbed my tummy, hugged my tummy, and kissed my tummy. He can't wait to meet you. You are going to be blessed to have him as an older brother and he will be blessed to have you as his younger siblings.

Being pregnant with you has been just a whirlwind of emotions. Finding out I was pregnant with you made me so happy and overwhelmed with thanksgiving that God had answered my prayers. I wanted you sooooooo bad and I remember crying out to God for months to give me babies. He is faithful to answer our prayers in His time and in His will. When I found out that I was carrying two babies, I was even more excited and thankful to God. God has a definite plan and purpose for our lives no matter what the situation may look like. We can never lose faith, because without faith we really have nothing. Everyday I have thought of you, prayed for you, and loved you. Everytime I get to see you on the ultrasounds or hear your heartbeats, I am filled with complete amazement and thankfulness. I am so thrilled to have two healthy babies growing in my body. I will do everything I can to ensure that you have a great start in life.

I can't wait to meet you guys and see your personalities and watch you grow. I am looking forward to our life together, teaching you and molding and shaping you (with God's guidance and leading) into amazing, Godly people. You are already in my heart, I can't wait to have you in my arms.

Love,
Your Momma

Overcome with Hormones, Emotions, and Thankfulness

Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the fact that I am normally an emotional person, or maybe it's the overwhelming feeling of how awesome God is and how he orchestrates everything perfectly in my life according to His plan and His will. I don't know, but I do know that I can cry at the drop of a hat. It's not just tears but a complete feeling that overcomes me and I can't control the tears.

A few stories:

Friday night Lee and I were driving home from our date night and were talking about stuff and for some reason it really hit me that after the babies are born, Luke will turn 5 within just a couple of months. I have said it a million times, "I'll have a 5 year old with two newborns," but for some reason it just really hit me and I cried like a baby. I couldn't stop. Why do they have to grow up so fast? I have spent nearly everyday of his life with him nearly all day each day and I have enjoyed all the moments I have had with him, but it still feels like he cannot be turning 5. He needs to stop growing up on me.

Sunday morning we had an evangelist come to our church and he taught the gospel in a very neat way. At the end he did an altar call. I normally just sing and pray that others will go down that need to. This time I began crying and felt the Lord telling me to really pray for the babies. I put my hand on my belly and lifted them up from today in my womb to their birth and life and future and even their future spouses. I prayed that they would walk with the Lord and love Him everyday of their lives. I couldn't stop crying. It was one of the most intense prayers of my life. I was completely overcome with God's presence in my life and the lives of my babies.

I cry when I watch anything sappy on TV or movies. I cry when I think about how blessed we are. God is soooooo amazing! Our family and friends are so amazing! I can't even count all of my blessings as they are immeasurable.

A Little Freak Out Last Night

For some reason last night I started thinking about how much things are going to potentially cost when the babies arrive. It's not the big things as we have most of them and/or are borrowing/receiving stuff from people, it's the day-to-day, monthly things like diapers, wipes, formula (potentially), and baby food (potentially).

I started assessing the potential costs and started freaking out. For some reason, it never dawned on me until the sickness went away (that took a lot of my thought and energy). I thought about cloth diapers vs disposable diapers and Lee and a few of my friends helped me realize that life is already going to be harder and crazier and I am going to have so much to do that adding the cleaning and laundering of cloth diapers will potentially be too much.

I am hoping to nurse as long as I can and hopefully have extra to pump and store for later use, but if we do need formula we will get it.

I am hoping to be able to make some of the baby food, but we will probably buy some.

What it all boils down to (and I have to remember everyday) is that God will provide for all of our needs. He never fails. Lee works really hard and is great with money (and as he reminded me), will take care of whatever we need. I just need to remember that everyday and rely on God for provision, strength, patience, and unconditional love no matter what. He wouldn't give us more than He knew we could handle with His help. GOD IS GOOD!!!

Things I Get Really Tired of Hearing (Already)

Okay maybe it's the hormones or a strong wondering of "why do people say the things they say?" but lately some comments people say have just gotten on my last nerve. Since this is a blog all about growing our family and everything that we are going through (good or bad) during this pregnancy, I thought I would share with my readers.

#1 - "You mean you might want more kids after the twins?" or "I guess this means you guys are done?"
I can't stand this question. Lee and I have surrendered our family growth decisions to the Lord. He is guiding our lives especially in this area. Now this doesn't mean we are just going to do things that make babies and see if God gives us kids because I can tell you the answer would probably be, "Yes, and every year," as we get pregnant really easily. We mean that we are praying over it and letting Him show us if He believes we should have more kids. It doesn't mean a specific number or stopping point. Even with the twins on the way, we are not closing that door. If God tells us to "be fruitful and multiply" again after the twins then we will. If He shows us that we are done, then we will be done. I am not letting popular opinion dictate our family.

#2 - "You mean you are going to still try to homeschool Luke?" (not said in a positive way)
Again, I can't stand this question. The Lord put homeschooling on my heart before I even knew I was pregnant with Luke and after 5+ years of praying, we decided that homeschooling was the right thing for Luke and most likely for our future children. The reasons are very strong and the calling of the Lord is all that really matters to me. I do know there are things that might be more challenging with having two almost one-year-olds, but I don't see why we should just get out of God's calling and forget all the reasons we have for homeschooling.

#3 - "You got lucky with Luke. There is no way you can schedule the twins like you did Luke."
First of all, Luke was a great baby, but we worked very hard to get him on a schedule. I haven't really met anyone who just "got lucky" with their kids. Babies require a lot of guidance to be on a schedule. We are planning to do everything we did with Luke and have already talked to moms of multiples who followed the same book (BabyWise) with singletons and twins and had great success. We know it might not go as well as it did with Luke as we will have two individuals with potentially different needs, but we are going to try our hardest to schedule the babies to fit in with our family's schedule. We plan to be able to live our lives still.

There are probably more, but these are the three that drive me the craziest right now. I apologize if this post sounds rude, but I get tired of people's rude comments/questions and this is a blog where I share it all, good or bad. This just happens to be the bad.

A Million Things Going Through Our Minds

Well it's only been a day and a half since we found out that we are having twins. In that time, I have already had what feels like a million thoughts going through my mind and I think most of our family has been thinking the same things.

Main Things I Have Been Thinking:

1) Everything related to the pregnancy - "Will they be safe, healthy, grow right?" "How long will I be able to carry them, full-term, longer?" "How big will I get?"

2) Everything related to the birth - "When will it be?" "How long will they be in the hospital?"

3) Everything related to the early stages - "Will we get sleep?" "How will we feed them?" "Will they wake each other up?" "Will they wake Luke up?" "Will they get on a routine like Luke did?"

4) Everything related to logistics - "How will we set up our house, the nursery, our lives for these babies?" "Will I be able to pick Luke up on time from preschool with two babies?" "Will we be able to go to church before the babies are 1?" "How will we keep all that laundry up?" "How many diapers are we going to go through each day/week?"

It's overwhelming when I think too much. I am just going to take it little by little. Just today my awesome sister told me she would loan me her crib, glider, highchair, and carseat. My mom is going to loan me her pack n play that matches the one I have. I know that God will provide for our every need. I know that people will do everything they can to help us. I also know that I have the most amazing husband who will do anything to make our lives easier and better.

Please pray for my potential to worry, the health of me and the babies, and that all of those questions will be answered in due time. :)